remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
