I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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