When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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