just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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