Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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