Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
