I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize