Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
