thus making me awesome and them whores
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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