When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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