dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
