I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize