I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
