So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
