I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
