i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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