I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
