Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The best revenge is premature balding
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
