just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
