I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Thank you for not boning my boss.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
