last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
