barbara walters just said penis...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
