My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
