News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
In America we eat man semen.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm really busy with my period
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