so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
did i just pee glitter
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
