I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
