Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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