Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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