hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
