How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize