Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
This is not my ceiling
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
nutella sex= disaster
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
