It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
