i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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