no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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