The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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