ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
