Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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