I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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