I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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