The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
