apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
