I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
