I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize