guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
