I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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