her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
