Banned from zoo.
Again?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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