why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Less talking, more tequila
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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