If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
