her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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