Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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