I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
