Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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