You can't motorboat a personality
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am available for nakedness
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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