I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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