so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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