Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
