no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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