I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
